Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Journal Entry No. 4

A journal entry from Warhammer Online. (WAR, a new MMORPG, went live on Sept. 18, 2008.) This is from the perspective of Karbunkle, the goblin squig herder.

I can't remembur it, but I knows dat I was born. I wuzza spore, and I came from outta space. I grew up, an time flew by reeel fast, an den I ended up 'ere, at this war camp. War is everywhere. There are bigun green orc bullies an gobbos me size scurryin' around wif weapons in da air. I've bin able to train these squigs; they are basically livin' stikkbomz wif big fangs. These, I consida me weapons, though I also carry a bow an arrer and a big stikk. Explosions are everywhere. Weez in a swamp, liddered wif big spikes stickin' outta da ground fer protection. Trees stand tall against da mountain, but da per-tty scenury does not cova up da war at hand.

Ahead o' me is a bigun orc squattin' on a dragon. He is decked out in fancy iron armor, painteded wif red blood stripez. It is obvious dat this orc is tougha dan da uvver ones – 'is helmet has horns stickin' out of it an he doesn't wince at any ting. 'Is name is Skarzag. He tells me dat “stunties are fer smashin'!” and orders me ta go down da hill there and kills sum stunties (stunties, which we have been warrin' wif fer ages). I pray to da godz Gork an Mork an head down the hill. There are dozens o' orkies wif choppas and boards in their 'ands, alongside shaman gobbos, swingin' their staves around an castin' dem spells. I give me squig a mean look, jus' so he knows not ta eat me, an den I poke 'im so he goes an attacks one of da stuntiss. I pull out me bow and arrer an shoot an shoot an shoot. Plink, plink, plink went me arrows. Before I knew it da stunty was dead; he barely put up a fight, I think. I go back to Skarzag ta tell 'im wot a good job I did – and he gives me sum nice new boots, he does!

I den find a gobbo named, “Crankz.” He tells me ta find some barrels by da swampy area near da dwarven keep an break dim open. I go down there like he says, and sure enough there's a bunch o' barrels sittin' around. But they is movin'. I qwickly break wun open ta see wut's inside – wodda ya know – a stripped, dizzy stunty! I take me stick, poke a few 'oles in 'im, den let me sqwiggy take da last bite outta 'im. Afta breakin' open three more barrels, I go back ta Crankz. He den tells me ta proceed ta Lobber Hill.

At Lobber Hill, I jump right inta wona them big wooden machines. Very advanceded – there must be two or tree movin' parts – probably took dim at least two minutes ta put dis togevva – an da slingshot machine launchez me up into da air. I'z flyin' fer maybe 10 seconds before I land, perfectly fine, on top o' da dwarven keep. Here, I meet another gobbo. 'Is name is Mugrush Gutsticka. He tells me ta find a knocked-out stunty. I move around on top o' da keep ta find more greenskins and stunties at war. I watch as an orc bashes a stunty on da haed wif 'is fist an leavz 'im there on da ground. I qwickly scurry over wif me squig ta pick 'im up. This fat stunty is reeelly 'eavy. I carry 'im over ta me new gobbo friend, who sez ter put 'im in a barrel. I stuff 'im in der good and close da lid. Den, Mugrush sez, push 'im! I push 'im off da side o' da keep an watch 'im splat inta da swamp below! Waaagh! So datz how da barrels ended up down there wif stunties in dim!

Lata, I happen upon a snotling – a lil' greun guy, not even a foot tall. He tells me there'z a shiny treasure in da heap o' trash behind 'im. Of course, me godda go look. Suddenly, I'm gettin' swarmeded by half a dozen more snotlin's! Me and me squig are bitin', stabbin', an shootin', and eventually come through, alive, wif dead snotling bodies all around us, and no shiny fing ta take home.

I proceeded a bit furda, and find more orkies an gobbos attackin' some squigs, who are all scurryin' around. I soon notice dat da squigs are all scurryin' around a huge giant. He has white skin and a big belly, but he iz as tall as 20 big orkies standin' on top of each odder'z shouldaz! A gobbo shaman looks at me and sez, “'Oi! You bigga than I is! Well, let me tell ya, we're 'elping out Ugrog the giant here, the squigs won't leave 'im alone! Ugrog sez he'll help us smash into dat stunty fortress if we help 'im, though!” I quickly order me squig ta go bite da nearest squig. Furst he tries ta bite himself, but den decides not ta, and runs afta a squig by Ugrog'z big left foot. I fling sum arrows toward it, and down it goes. Squishy as eva. We kills all da annoyin' squigs, and Ugrog tromps over to da door, but den falls to his butt. He sez ta us, “I ain't pickin' up dat spikey ball until I'm gud an drunk!” Nearby we see about 20 beer barrels filled to da brim – we quickly bring dim to 'im. Afta gulpin' dim all down wif out even a twitch, he gets up, grabs this big spikey ball, and brings it to da stunty door. He smashes it into da door, and it explodes! Blowin' da door open, and killin' Ugrog in da process. A dozen stunties come out, but they are no match fer us greenskins. We are all of a tribe, da BLOODY SUN BOYZ. No stunties iz eva goin' ta git in our way.

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